Peter's Onion Blog

2005-12-21T10:16:00.000-05:00

December 21st:
Article: Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak

December 14th:
Nothing.

December 7th:
Article: Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom
Headline: More Americans Falling For 'Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work' Schemes

November 30th:
Headline: RIAA Bans Telling Friends About Songs

Novemer 23rd:
Headline: Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official

November 16th:
Nothing.

November 9th:
Headline: Bird Arthritis Epidemic Largely Ignored

2005-11-06T17:27:00.000-05:00

November 2nd:
Article: Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu
Headline: 'Scooter' Libby Wishes He'd Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage

October 26th:
Nada.

2005-10-21T20:09:00.000-04:00

October 19th:
Headline: New Orleans Struck By Meteorite
Weekender Headline: "They Tried To Teach My Baby Science"

October 12th:
Article: Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country
Op-Ed Headline: Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now
(I think that's mine)
Headline: Cat Likes It Doggy Style

2005-10-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

October 5th:
Headline: Cosmopolitan Releases 40-Year Compendium: 812,683 Ways To Please Your Man
Photo: Frat boy in jump photo for Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression

2005-09-30T18:23:00.000-04:00

September 28th:
American Voices: Tom DeLay Steps Down
"My prayers are with the poor, leaderless House Republican majority tonight."

September 21st:
Headline: Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan's Other Son Drowns In New Orleans
Headline: Reporters Comb New Orleans For Heartwarming Story

September 14th:
Nuthin'.

2005-09-30T18:10:00.000-04:00

September 7th:
Headline: Nation's Politicians Applaud Great Job They're Doing
Headline: Bush: 'It Has Been Brought To My Attention That There Was Recently A Bad Storm'
Headline: Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance
American Voices: Death Of The Chief Justice:
"My heart would go out to his family and friends if it weren't already out to 100,000 Southerners."
Onion Magazine Headline:Failing: Is This Your Year?
Onion Magazine Headline:Internships: Pointless or Meaningless?

2005-09-01T20:00:00.000-04:00

August 31st:
Headline: Google Announces Plans To Destroy All Information It Can't Index
Headline: Botanists Making Great Strides In Stem Research
Months-long project: Web site redesign

August 24th:
Op-Ed: "Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything"
Op-Ed Headline: "Shakespeare Was, Like, The Ultimate Rapper"

August 17th:
Headline: New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains
WDYT answer: top-left

August 10th:
Headline (I think): Greenspan Lowers Dew Point
WDYT answer: top-left

August 3rd:
Statshot answer: "Pre-production, production"

July 27th:
Headline: UN Quietly Pushed Into East River
WDYT answer: top-left

2005-07-23T03:27:00.000-04:00

July 20th:
Headline (I think): Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Skyrockets
Op-ed headline: I'm A Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet
WDYT answer: middle-right
Infographic answer: 3rd-from-bottom
Stashot answers: "Uptight intersection ahead—CA" and "Never, Under Any Circumstances, Yield—TX"

July 13th:
On strike, but one of my previous reports was highlighted:
Headline: Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

July 6th:
Was on strike, and none of my previous reporting was highlighted.

2005-06-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

June 29th:
Headline: New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth
Headline: Fifth Baby Barely Showered
WDYT answers: top-left, top-right
Infographic answers: top, 2nd-from-top

June 22nd, 2056:
Headline (I think) + Article: Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S.
Headline: 117-Aerocar Pileup Clogs Troposphere For Hours
Headline: 47th Amendment Grants iPods Suffrage
Word: Asciinglish

2005-06-13T23:28:00.000-04:00

June 15th:
Headline: Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom
Headline: Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed
WDYT answer: middle-right
Infographic answers: top, 3rd-from-top

2005-06-11T12:50:00.000-04:00

June 8th:
Article: Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs (with help from Amie, Rich)
Headline: PETA Complains As Revised SAT Tested On Chimpanzees
Headline: Congress Relieved To Admit It's Not Going To Accomplish Anything This Year
Headline: Evian Flu Causes Panic In Bottled-Water Industry
WDYT answers: top-left, middle-left

June 1st:
Headline: Bob Dylan's Original Surname Uncovered By 17-Year-Old (I think)
WDYT answers: top-right, middle-left
Infographic answers: 3rd-from-top, 4th-from-bottom
Hosting A Barbecue tip: "For optimal flavor, raise your own animals, make your own charcoal, and distill your own vinegar. For passable flavor, head on down to Smokey's Ribs & Things out by the airport"

2005-05-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

May 25th:
Headline + Article: National Advertising Board Launches 'Advertising: Get The Message!' Campaign
Headline: Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease
WDYT answers: top-right, bottom-left

2005-05-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

May 18th:
Headline + Article (with Amie): Principal Hates Underachievers, Overachievers
Headline: Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken
Op-Ed (with Amie): "A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off"
WDYT answer: middle-left
Fake Harvard ad (with Ben Wikler)

May 11th:
Nothing.

2005-05-04T00:24:00.000-04:00

May 4th:
Headline: Actual Expert Too Boring For TV
Headline: Democratic Senator Strides Down Corridors Of Powerlessness
Headline: Bachelorette Party Saved By Actual Firemen
(from Sam Means idea)
Headline: Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream
WDYT answer: middle-right
Infographic answers: 2nd-from-bottom, 2nd-from-top
Statshot answer: "Our ideal selves"

April 27th:
WDYT answer: middle-right
Infographic answer: middle

2005-04-20T21:59:00.000-04:00

April 20th:
Infographic answer: 4th-from-top
Statshot answer: "Losing virginity in October 1894"

April 13th:
Headline: Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner Of Popemobile, Dead At 84
WDYT answer: top-right
Infographic answers: top, 4th-from-bottom
Preparing A Living Will tips: "It's important to have a lawyer present when you draft a living will, as it makes the desire to be dead that much more tangible." and "Don't underestimate how quickly your family, including your beloved wife and two cherubic children, will tire of the burden you will become."

2005-04-05T00:38:00.000-04:00

April 6th:
WDYT answer: top-left
Infographic answer: 2nd-from-bottom

2005-03-29T23:23:00.000-05:00

March 30th:
Headline and Article: Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security
Headline and Op-ed: "You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now"
Headline: American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced
Infographic answers: 2nd-from-top, middle, 2nd-from-bottom
Statshot answer: "If legend is to be believed, delivered a rousing stump speech"
Being A Considerate Houseguest tips: 1. "Cooking a meal for your host is a nice gesture, but ordering a pizza and offering to chip in for your part is way easier." 2. "Always wait until your hosts have gone to bed before masturbating."

2005-03-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

March 23rd:
Op-ed headline: "I Don't Care How Long It Takes, I'm Gonna Figure Out What That 'L' Word Is"
Headline: No One Admits To Fart Joke
Infographic answer: 2nd-from-top, 4th-from-top, 4th-from-bottom
Statshot answer: "Affection or earrings or something"

2005-03-18T12:35:00.000-05:00

March 16th:
Irish Heritage Timeline entries:

2000 BC—Druids, who were totally awesome and wore these bad-ass robes everywhere, populate Ireland

1890—Irish industrial baroness Colleen Flanagan embroiders and frames an "Irish Blessing" for the first time. Over the next 90 years, her Belfast emroidery sweatshop produced more than 17 million Irish blessings and was responsible for 17,000 deaths

1936—"McNamara's Band" hits number one on the Old Irish Folk Song charts, a position the record held for 1,235 weeks

1994—A leader known only as Roth takes over the Irish Republican Army, transforming it from a terrorist organization into a tax-deferred retirement savings plan

2005-03-14T18:29:00.000-05:00

March 16th:
Article: Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson
Headline: Despite Bad Press, Calorie Industry Projects Record-Breaking Year
Headline: Ten Years Of Life Dedicated To Getting Municipal Pool Not Built (from room brainstorm)
Headline: AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime
Op-ed: "Unlock Your Employees' Profit Potential With An Improv-Comedy Workshop!"
Infographic answers: top, 2nd-from-top, 4th-from-bottom, 3rd-from-bottom
WDYT answers: top-left, bottom-right
Statshot answer: "Communion wafers"

2005-03-07T17:26:00.000-05:00

March 9th:
Headline: Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks
(I think I wrote this, but it kinda just came out of the meeting)
Headline: Thick Sweater No Match For Determined Nipples
Headline: The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such
Op-Ed Headline: "Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period"
WDYT answer: bottom-left
Statshot answer: "The Bourne Supremacy, unfortunately"

2005-03-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

March 2nd:
Infographic answer: middle
WDYT answer: bottom-right
Statshot answers: "Her second book deal" and "Elephaniasis sufferer in room" and "Differences between men and women in the fields of science and engineering"

2005-02-23T16:15:00.000-05:00

February 23rd:
Breaking-NIB headline: Man Dies Totally Differently Than He Lived

2005-02-22T02:09:00.000-05:00

February 23rd:
Article: New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs
Headline: Opportunist Knocks
WDYT answers: middle-left, middle-right, bottom-left
Infographic answer: top

2005-02-18T18:09:00.000-05:00

February 18th:
Breaking-NIB headline: New Boeing Jetliner Holds All But 300 People

2005-02-14T19:57:00.000-05:00

February 16th:
Article: Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown
Article: Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major
Headline: Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions
Infographic answer: bottom
Statshot answer: "Fifteen hours of sleep"

2005-02-07T16:52:00.000-05:00

February 9th:
Article: Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation
Headline: Frederick's Of Anchorage Debuts Crotchless Long Underwear
Op-Ed Headline: "Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say"
Statshot answers: "Women's plus-size section" and "Still in Iraq"
Onion love coupon: "Cunnilingus until orgasm, or five minutes, whichever is shorter"

2005-01-31T19:05:00.000-05:00

February 2nd:
Headline + Article: 180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work In 2004
Article: Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period
Headline: Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit
Infographic answers: top, 3rd-from-top, 4th-from-top

2005-01-26T17:31:00.000-05:00

January 26th:
Article: Protest One Person Short Of Success
Headline: Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations
Headline: GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising
Headline: Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days (I think I wrote this, but can't remember)
Op-Ed: "Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel"
Infographic answer: top
Statshot answers: "Poison-frog-flavored ice cream," "With ideas."

2005-01-17T17:10:00.000-05:00

January 19th:
Article: Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation Of Bulletproof Sleeves
WDYT answers: top-left, top-right
Infographic answers: 4th-from-top, 3rd-from-bottom

January 12th:
"Please enjoy this issue of classics from the Onion as part of your Martin Luther King Day celebration." (All from before my time here.)

2005-01-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

January 5th:
Article: Russia Reiterates Zero-Tolerance Policy For Terrorists, Hostages
Infographic answers: 4th-from-top, 4th-from-bottom
Statshot answers: "bsiter--someone who maintains a web site" (from Lyndon)

2004-12-27T18:49:00.000-05:00

December 29th:
Greatest hits issue, all from before my time here.

2004-12-27T18:45:00.000-05:00

December 22nd:
Article: Psychiatrists Treating Phantom Of The Opera Viewers For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder
Headline: U.S. Gripped By Y2K05 Fears
WDYT answer: top-right, bottom-left
Statshot answer: "Didn't want to die alone with us"
Infographic answers: 5th-from-bottom, bottom

2004-12-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

December 15th:
Headline: Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides
Headline: Sponge Actor Turns Square-Pant Affliction Into Strength
Op-ed Headline: "Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives" By Eric Wendt, ABC Vice Chairman
WDYT answers: top-left, bottom-right

2004-12-08T10:22:00.000-05:00

December 8th:
Op-ed: "What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well"
Infographic answer: 4th-from-bottom
Statshot answers: "Three parts Jack, one part Coke," "By not speaking to selves unless we absolutely have to."

2004-11-29T18:23:00.000-05:00

December 1st:
Headline: Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down
Article: New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team
Infographic answers: top, 3rd-from-top, bottom
Statshot answer: "It gets all hairy if we don't"
Fighting Insomnia tips: 1. "Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive." 2. "If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long." 3. "If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder."

2004-11-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

November 24th:
Article: Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry
Headline + Article: Wild, Unattached Twenties Spent At Work
Op-ed Headline: "Kids Grow The Fuck Up So Fast These Days"
Infographic answer: 2nd-from-bottom

2004-11-16T09:36:00.000-05:00

November 17th:
Headline: Woman With Really Pointy Feet Finds Perfect Shoes
Headline: Actual Governing To Resume
Infographic answers: 3rd-from-top, 4th-from-top, 2nd-from-bottom
Statshot answer: "Stepdad, who's being a total dick about it"

2004-11-08T20:24:00.000-05:00

November 10th:
Op-ed: "Debbie, By The Time You Read This, I'll Either Be Dead Or Vice President Of Marketing"
WDYT answers: top-right, bottom-left

November 3rd post-election update:
Headline: MoveOn CurlsUp InCorner
Headline: Poll: Youth Totally Meant To Vote In Record Numbers

2004-11-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

November 3rd:
Article: National Museum Of The Middle Class Opens In Schaumburg, IL
Headline: Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting
WDYT answer: bottom-right
Infographic answers: 3rd-from-top, 4th-from-top, 5th-from-top
Statshot answer: "Lots of great, if repetitive, memories"

2004-10-27T09:09:00.000-04:00

October 27th:
Headline: Bush Campaign Paints Kerry As Pre-Raphaelite Contessa
WDYT answer: middle-right
Infographic answer: 3rd-from-top
Election Day Guide answers: 1. "If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long." 2. "The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise." 3. "This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros." 4. "The most important thing is to vote your conscience." 5. "Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader." 6. "Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists."

2004-10-18T15:50:00.000-04:00

October 20th:
Headline: U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War
Headline + Article: Kerry: Stem-Cell Research May Hold Cure To Ailing Campaign
Article: CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division
WDYT answers: top-left, top-right, middle-right
Infographic answers: OR, MI, PA

2004-10-12T09:27:00.000-04:00

October 13th:
Headline: Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected
Headline: Latino Community Empowered By Coke Ad
Headline: Baby Takes Political Stance
Op-ed Headline: "You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?" by John Edwards
WDYT answer: middle-left
Infographic answers: bottom, 3rd-from-bottom
Statshot answer: "New overtime laws"
Apartment-hunting tips: "Never underestimate the importance of hardwood floors and exposed brick. If you do not have the budget to afford an apartment that boasts these features, consider living in a coal chute." and "Many real-estate agents and brokers will try to take advantage of you, as if you were some kind of chump. Inform them early on that you're not some kind of chump."

2004-10-06T18:24:00.000-04:00

October 6th:
Article: American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot
Headline: Older Brother Accused Of Cushion-Fort Prisoner Abuse
Headline: Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit
Headline: Wrong Pre-Fab House Delivered
Infographic answers: 4th-from-top, 3rd-from-top

2004-09-28T13:21:00.000-04:00

September 29th:
Headline: Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President
(idea: Ben Wikler)
Headline: Gay Couple Has Banal Sex
Headline: Greaseball Shitcanned
WDYT answers: top-left, top-right
Statshot answer: "You will get slighty fatter every year"

2004-09-20T23:51:00.000-04:00

September 22nd:
Headline + Article: Money Thrown At Lunch Problem
Headline: Self Medicated
WDYT answer: top-right
Infographic answer: 2nd-from-bottom

2004-09-14T21:24:00.000-04:00

September 15th:
WDYT answer: middle-left
Statshot answer: "Hors d'larvae"

2004-09-10T15:23:00.000-04:00

September 8th:
Headline: Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War
WDYT answer: bottom-left
Infographic answers: 4th-from-bottom, 3rd-from-bottom
Statshot answers: "Text-Message E-bate Society" and "4-HIV+"

2004-09-08T01:07:00.000-04:00

2004-08-31T20:40:00.000-04:00

September 1st:
Headline: Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World
Headline: Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore
Infographic answer: top
Statshot answers: 3rd-from-top, 2nd-from-bottom
Pool Safety tips: "Your body is 70 percent water, so don't worry: Even if you were to drown, only 30 percent of you would die." and "Don't buy into all that skin-cancer, suntan-lotion, SPF bullshit. It's just a bunch of scientifically verified propaganda from the Coppertone Corporation."

2004-08-24T11:24:00.000-04:00

August 25th:
Article: Online University Cracks Down On Rowdy Online Fraternity
WDYT answers: top-right, middle-left, bottom-right
Infographic answers: top, 4th-from-top, bottom

2004-08-17T00:09:00.000-04:00

August 18th:
Headline: Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time
WDYT answers: top-left, bottom-right
Infographic answers: 2nd-, 4th-, and 6th-from-bottom

2004-08-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

August 11th:
Article: Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America
Op-ed Headline: "Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?"

2004-08-03T12:04:00.000-04:00

August 4th:
Article: CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog
Headline: Movie Praised For Not Being As Bad As It Could Have Been
Headline: New Snooze Channel Broadcasts Shrill, Electronic Shriek Every Nine Minutes
Op-ed Headline: "I'm The Life Of The Search Party!"
WDYT answer: top-right
Infographic answer: top

2004-07-29T13:11:00.000-04:00

July 28th:
Article: Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities
WDYT answers: middle-left, bottom-right
Statshot answer: "A great... man?"
Holding A Yard Sale tips: "The No. 1 thing yard-sale customers are looking for is a great value. Lucky for you, the No. 2 thing they are looking for is faded purple size-26 Hanes stirrup pants." and "Yard sales are like love: If you let your guard down and present everything you've got to the world honestly and without shame, someone is bound to end up with a bunch of your old clothes."

2004-07-20T13:34:00.000-04:00

July 21st:
Article: Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected
Headline: Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There
Headline: Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Touch With Mainstream
Headline + Op-ed: "You Mean I Could Get _Paid_ For Writing Commercial Jingles?"
WDYT answer: middle-right
Infographic answers: top, fourth-from-bottom

2004-07-13T05:14:00.000-04:00

July 14th:
Headline: University Implicated In Checks-For-Degrees Scheme
Op-ed Headline: "Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick!"
Headline: Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M.
Headline + NIB: Girl Slept With For Her Sake
NIB: Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office
NIB: Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear
Infographic answers: fifth-from-bottom, third-from-bottom, bottom

2004-07-06T20:25:00.000-04:00

July 7th:
Article: D.C. Site Of First Homeless Depot
WDYT answers: middle-left, middle-right
Infographic answers: top, third-from-bottom

June 30th:
(best-of issue; no new material)
Headline: Architect Asks Self How Le Corbusier Would Have Designed This Strip Mall

2004-06-22T18:38:00.000-04:00

June 23rd:
Headline + Article: Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive
Headline: Employee Keeps Up The Good Work
NIB: 7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him
NIB: Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground
WDYT answer: middle-left
Infographic answer: "two stripes" joke

2004-06-15T15:29:00.000-04:00

June 16th:
Article: Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented
On TV Tonight: "CSI: LSAT Prep"
WDYT answers: top-right, bottom-left

2004-06-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

June 9th:
Article: Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate
Headline + Article: List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party
Headline: Reagan's Body Dies (online only)
Headline: Oil Prices Soar Like Noble Eagle
Op-ed Headline: I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady
Headline: Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys
WDYT answer: top-right

2004-06-01T18:14:00.000-04:00

June 2nd:
Article: Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry
Headline + Op-ed: "You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons"
WDYT answers: middle-left, bottom-right
Statshot answer: "A-rabs"

2004-05-26T03:03:00.000-04:00

May 26th:
Headline + Article: Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself
Headline + Op-ed: "You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day"
Article: U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England
Headline: Brad Pitt Called Before Congress To Testify About Bicep Regimen
Headline: Gun Pays For Itself On First Day
Headline: Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops
Infographic answer: bottom

2004-05-18T15:02:00.000-04:00

May 19th:
Article: Funeral Looks Cheap
Headline: U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror
Op-ed Headline: "I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene"
NIB: Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs
WDYT answers: top-right, middle-left
Statshot answers: "With equally egregious use of logic"

2004-05-11T10:11:00.000-04:00

May 12th:
Point-Counterpoint: "Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists" vs. "Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Awesome"
Headline: Investors Stake Out Greenspan's House For Signs Of Rate Increase
NIB: Bathroom Too Disgusting To Shit In
Commuting tips: fifth-, third-, and second-from-bottom
WDYT answers: middle-right, bottom-left
Infographic answers: top, fourth-from-top, third-from-bottom, bottom
Statshot answers: "Allowance not adjusted for inflation (DC)," "Must remain in state until 18 (ID)"

2004-05-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

May 5th:
Article: Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast
WDYT answer: bottom-left
Infograph answers: "fully uniformed nurse" and "dental dams"
Statshot answer: "Mr. My Art Is Precious can't take a joke"
Upcoming Parties: Annie Wolohan

2004-04-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

April 28th:
Headline and Op-Ed: "Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime" by Condoleezza Rice
Headline: Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes
WDYT answer: middle-left
Statshot answer: "Better job"

2004-04-21T15:37:00.000-04:00

April 21st:
Headline: Iraqis Arming Selves For Independence
Article: National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Criticized For Funding Giant Macramé Penis
NIB: Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department
WDYT answer: middle-left
Infograph answer: third-from-top
Statshot answer: "Thinking locally"

2004-04-13T16:22:00.000-04:00

April 14th:
Headline: Rumsfeld Looking Forward To Secretary's Day
Headline: New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly
Op-Ed: "I Will Not Rest Until Sometime After 11 p.m."
NIB: Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay
WDYT answer: bottom-left
Hospital tip: fourth-from-bottom

2004-04-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

April 7th:
Headline: Yahoo Launches New Soul-Search Engine
Headline: Jay-Z Gives Shout-Out To His Shareholdaz
WDYT answers: top-right, middle-left, bottom-right
Infograph answers: fourth and fifth from top
Statshot answer: "Hate them more than life itself"

2004-03-30T18:03:00.000-05:00

March 31st:
NIB: Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On
Infograph answer: second-from-top
WDYT answers: top-left, bottom-left, bottom-right
On TV Tonight: Entire CBS line and the La Traviata PBS joke
Statshot answers: "Not wearing any underwear," "Taking estranged husband back for the day," and "'Forgiving' sins of man"

2004-03-24T14:44:00.000-05:00

March 24th:
Article: Political Cartoon Even More Boring And Confusing Than Issue
Op-Ed: "I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!"
Headline + NIB: Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage
NIB: Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar
WDYT answer: middle-left
Infograph answers: top two

2004-03-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

March 17th:
Headline + Article: Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group
Headline: British Girl Exotic Enough
Headline: Song From Area Man's Past Comes Back To Rock Him
Headline: Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign
Headline: Sheets Changed After Every Breakup
WDYT answer: top-right
Statshot answer: "After ordering entire round for bar, before paying"

2004-03-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

March 10th:
Article: Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library
Headline: Republicans Retain Majority In Household
Headline: Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss
Infograph answer: middle

2004-03-02T14:00:00.000-05:00

March 3rd:
Headline + Article: Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend
Op-Ed Headline: "You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me"
Headline: Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing
WDYT answer: middle-left
Infograph answers: second-from-top, third-from-bottom
Statshot answer: Selfistan

2004-02-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

February 25th:
Headline: Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry
Headline: Dean Mentions He'd Make A Great Secretary Of Health And Human Services

2004-02-18T13:56:00.000-05:00

February 18th:
Headline, Article, Graphics: Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us
Article: Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht
Headline: Iowa Resident Has Opinion Month Too Late
Statshot answer: Godot

2004-02-10T18:13:00.000-05:00

February 11th:
Article: Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class
WDYT answers: bottom-left and bottom-right
Infograph answer: top

2004-02-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

February 4th:
Headline: Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries
Headline: 10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks
Article: Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating
Op-Ed: "I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks!"
[I also worked on graphics this week]
Picked photos: Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries
Photoshopped: Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired, Michael Jackson Hires Magical Anthropomorphic Giraffe As Defense Lawyer
Designed: Infographic on 'Patriot Act's Problem Parts'

2004-01-27T17:49:00.000-05:00

January 28th:
Article: Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House
Headline: Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street
WDYT answer: top-left

2004-01-20T19:31:00.000-05:00

January 21st:
Headline: New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work

2004-01-18T17:28:00.000-05:00

January 14th:
Op-Ed: "I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters"
Headline: Iran Moves To Ban Events Of Mass Destruction
WDYT answer: bottom-right

2004-01-10T12:08:00.000-05:00

January 7th:
This is the third of our "best-of" (or re-run) issues.
Headline: Carload Of Faggots Just Pulled Up To Drive-Thru, Cashier Reports

December 31st:
Re-run announcement:
"Please enjoy this compilation issue, while The Onion takes a staff road trip through the scenic American Southwest."

December 24th:
I don't remember but I don't think I had any re-run content in this issue.

2003-12-18T02:47:00.000-05:00

December 17th:
Headline: Senate Carpool 'Forgets' To Pick Up Feingold Again
Infograph answers: middle, bottom
WDYT answer: bottom-left

2003-12-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

December 10th:
Headline: Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production
WDYT answers: bottom-left, bottom-right
Infograph answers: bottom two

2003-12-03T02:58:00.000-05:00

December 3rd:
Headline: New York's Finest Protect New York's Richest
Headline: Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew
Headline: Man Born To Party Dies Partying
Statshot answers: "Plagiarism" and "Rap Music"

2003-11-25T20:17:00.000-05:00

November 26th (best-of issue):
Headline: Diorama Of Rome Built In A Day

2003-11-18T20:20:00.000-05:00

November 19th:
Article: Palestine Appoints New Minister Of Rubble And Urban Development
Headline: Media Criticized For Biased Hometown Sports Reporting
Headline: African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President
Headline: Enraged Man Unable To Break TV

2003-11-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

November 12th:
Headline: Right-To-Kill Advocate Opposes Right-To-Die Measure
Headline: MTV Executive Grounds Son For Recommending Good Charlotte
Headline: Woman Judges Cities Solely By Their Airports

2003-11-07T00:38:00.000-05:00

November 5th:
Headline: "Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President"
Infograph answer: "Sneaking across border to Mexico"

2003-10-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

October 29th:
Headline: 'Well, *You* Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept.

2003-10-22T01:34:00.000-04:00

October 22nd:
Article + Headline: Mommy's Wedding More Fun Than Daddy's
Infograph answer: third-from-top
Statshot answers: "Way too much fried chicken" and "New shoe"

2003-10-14T19:57:00.000-04:00

October 15th:
Article: Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues
Headline: OutKast Universally Accepted
Infographic answer: first one

2003-10-08T18:21:00.000-04:00

October 8th:
Article: Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards
Headline: IBM Emancipates 8,000 Wage Slaves
Headline: Package Tracked Doggedly
Headline: Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status
WDYT answer: middle-left

2003-09-30T15:17:00.000-04:00

October 1st:
Article: Mournful Irish Flute Used In Documentary About Loss Of Senior Lounge
Headline: 85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month
Headline: Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced
Headline: Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip
WDYT answer: top-right
Infographic answer: 2nd-to-last

2003-09-23T18:02:00.000-04:00

September 24th:
Article: U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth
Op-ed Headline: I Assume My Reputation For Arrogant Presumption Precedes Me
WDYT answer: top-right

2003-09-17T17:37:00.000-04:00

September 17th:
WDYT answers: top-left, middle-left, and bottom-right
Infograph answer: middle in list

2003-09-09T11:19:00.000-04:00

September 10:
Op-ed: 'Well Well Well--If It Isn't A Small Family Retailer' by Wal-Mart
Headline: New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True

2003-09-08T19:52:00.000-04:00

Hey. After writing freelance headlines for The Onion for the last four or five years, I got hired full-time at the beginning of this summer. Here are the headlines I've gotten printed so far:

May 8th:
Last Freelance Headline: Stripper Failing School She's Working Herself Through

[Hired June 1st, 2003]

June 12th:
Headline: Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career

June 19th:
Nothing.

June 26th:
Best-of issue; no new content.

July 3rd:
Article: Bowling-Alley Owner Wants TV Ad To Look 'More Matrix-y'
Op-ed: 'I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm'
Headline: Security Guard Makes Passing Women Feel Unsafe

July 10th:
Headline: Short Film Drags On
Headline: Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

July 17th:
Nothing.

July 24th:
Article: Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You'
Op-ed: 'In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself'

July 31st:
Nothing.

August 7th:
Headline: Vice President Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise

August 14th:
Article: Confused Americans Seek Steady No. 1 At Box Office
Article: Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

August 21st:
Article: U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size of Tennessee
Article/Headline: Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life
Headline: Heroic Pants Enter 19th Day Of Continuous Duty
Headline: Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

August 28th:
Article: Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad
Op-ed: 'Perhaps I've Been A Little Too Tough On Crime'

September 4th:
Nothing.